Hello, everyone, DMSwordsmaster here with another episode of “Crappypastas: Why the Internet Shouldn’t Write Horror”. You know, I’ve reviewed some horrible pastas. “SMB: A Brother’s Hatred” and “Radio Tower” come to mind. Those pastas had incredibly dull clichés, and hilariously bad writing. This pasta we’re reviewing today?? The writing is so gut-wrenchingly awful that I legitimately think this was written as a fucking troll pasta. Don’t believe me? Oh, just you wait and see. We’re reviewing “Super Mario Bros 3: Damned Edition“. Now I already know what you’re thinking. “Hey, DMS! That title sounds a lot similar to Super Mario Bros 64: Damned!” And I’d say “You’d be right, my nonexistent viewer!!" Now, I haven’t read that other pasta, but I’ll say this. It could be a blank fucking page, and I’d still rate it higher than this other pasta. You might think I’m joking. You’ll see. Oh God, you’ll see.
The NES had many great games back in the 1980’s. My favorite was Super Mario Brothers 3. Although the physics engine sucked moldy ass-crack …That… That‘s… That‘s a perfect start to this. No, really. I‘m glad you took the time to mention that poorly worded, immersion-breaking fact. I‘m fucking glad you‘re clearly showing that you want to engage and creep the reader out using only the most carefully chosen words available. Dear fucking lord, excuse me while I fellate a gun barrel., it was perfect in every other way. The satisfaction of defeating Bowser (King Koopa) Great, we’re already doing the stupidly pointless gimmick of putting certain details in parenthesis despite the fact that they could easily be worked into the actual sentence by a competent author. at the end of the game, the controls, and even the graphics are good for their time.
Sadly, some years ago, my NES and my games were lost after moving. I did get an FC Twin (an NES and SNES in one) Two sentences later, and here we do it again! For fuck’s sake! to replace it. The one and only game I wanted was Super Mario Bros. 3. I had no money to buy a copy, so I was stuck without one. It’s called an Emulator, you dingus. No one will berate you for downloading the game on your fucking PC. And don’t tell me you don’t have a PC. How could you have uploaded this story otherwise?
One year had passed. One year without Super Mario Bros. 3. You’re making this sound like it’s on par with doing without food or water. I’ve heard obsessive gamers, but this is a bit much even by those standards! I went to go check the mail since I hadn’t checked it since the month before. Upon opening the mailbox, a small box popped out. There was a note attached to it. It said “Congratulations! You have won a special prize! Open the box and see what you have won!” This fucking cliché again. Oh God, memories of SMB: A Brother’s Hatred… Gee, thanks for making me remember the worst pasta I’ve ever reviewed! Though this one might take that shit filled trophy by the end of this. Puzzled, I looked at the box.
I brought it inside and opened it with my box cutter. Inside was a copy of Super Mario Bros. 3. With joy, I slapped the cartridge into the FC Twin and turned it on to the 8-bit option. What followed was the weirdest and creepiest display of any video game I’ve ever played. Thanks for taking the time to point that out.
Instead of the pleasant, quirky opening cut scene, an image faded in that said Super Mario Bros. 3 in front of a black image with Mario’s sprite under the title. Let the clichés begin!! After about 5 seconds of that image, it faded out. It looked as if it was edited with Windows Movie Maker. Then, a cut scene started rolling. It depicted Bowser’s Airships attacking Princess Toadstools castle. Bowser emerged from the leading ship. He jumped into the castle, falling through the roof. This action scene is fucking awful and is devoid of emotion, effort, or skill. Par for the course. Toad guards bombarded him. With his claws, he killed every single one of them, clawing into their faces. Their screams were bloodcurdling. Hey, pasta authors! Learn to fucking emote in your pastas. You don’t have to go the level of SMB2: Blood Whistle, but going the complete other end is just as bad! Christ!
After slaughtering a whole Toad army, he barged into the Peach’s room. She was cowering in the corner. A text box appeared. “Peach: Help me! Please!” Bowser closed in on Peach, getting closer and closer. Just as he covered her, the screen faded to black. *Plays “Oh Yeah” by Yello* Then, I was brought to the normal over world screen. The happy, go-lucky music was playing, the cactuses Cacti, you idiot. were dancing, and an airship was hovering over the castle. I thought it would be normal from here on out. Boy, was I dead wrong. Dead Wrong. Capitalizing for emphasis! A tried and true way at making your story look like shit. And yeah, I love how he doesn't even comment on it. Again, the emotion and enigma of a fucking lemon.
I entered the first level. Mario had already collected a mushroom apparently, as his sprite was larger. I ran to a question box and hit it. Expecting a fire flower, instead I got a pistol. You thought I was joking in the intro. Oh, dear viewers, this is where it truly goes downhill. I can’t believe I just wrote that. I was stunned. “Why is there a gun in a Mario game?” Because a shithead author thought it’d be creepy and scary to put one in a Mario game. Curious, I picked up the weapon. I pressed the B button and the gun made a loud, realistic sounding gunshot noise, which was weird since the NES wasn’t capable of making sounds of that quality. Aaaand we have the NES making photo super hyper realistic sounds!
Not minding the oddness of the newly added weapon And our narrator is shown to have the awareness of an eggplant. And how's the bears shitting in the woods quota??, I ventured forward, hoping something normal would happen. …And immediately after we have this sentence contradicting the former. Jesus Christ. I had no such luck. Approaching a piranha plant, Mario stopped dead in his tracks, jumped onto the piranha plant, and snapped it in half. Green liquid (which I assumed was blood) Which I assumed was shitty writing started squirting out of the plants stem. “This has to be some kind of joke.” I said to myself. “Nintendo would never make something like this.” This is a joke, but not in the way you hoped, dear author.
Moving on, I approached the first goomba in the game. As I walked towards the goomba, Mario looked at it with this angry look. Yeah. This angry look. Don’tcha love horribly written details?? He looked pissed off. Followed by immersion breaking details? The goomba finally touched Mario, which triggered a cut scene. Mario picked up the goomba as a textbox appeared. “Mario: Where’s the princess? Goomba: (Stammering) I… I don’t know man. (Crying) Not only do we have poorly inserted dialogue, but we have another fucking bracketed off detail! God damn, what is with that?? Also, the author can't format dialogue for shit. Fuck you.
Please just leave me alone. Mario: … Goomba: (Sniffling) And again! Motherfucker! He… Hello? Mario: Die.” Mario pointed his pistol at the goomba’ You forgot an “s”. Quality. face, and shot it. He dropped the dead body. Blood started coming from the dead creature. You don’t say! The screen faded back to the game. I literally didn’t press any buttons for about a minute. I was too freaked out to do anything. Not that you’d show us in a way besides blatantly telling us. SHOW, DON’T TELL. FOR FUCK’S SAKE. Still, I ventured on. "Eggplant Man, venture forth!!"
I went to the next item block. A knife popped out from the yellow block. It only gets worse. Mario grabbed it on his own, without me pressing any buttons. After he collected it, a group of goombas and para-goombas just happily strolled to the left. As soon as they saw Mario, however, they turned and ran. Mario (being the relentless mother fucker he is in this game) Two for one bonus! chased them and stabbed them all with his newly acquired knife. After killing them, I could finally control Mario again.
I tried not to come into come into contact with any enemies at all. Finally, after a long, creepy trip Tell, don‘t show. A trademark way to make your pasta shit., I reached the end of the level. Bowser was there waiting for me. He came closer to Mario. Mario then lunged at Bowser, but he was just smacked to the ground by Bowser’s claw. Dear God, when this pasta isn’t throwing out hilarious, tone ruining details, it’s spitting out stupid, boring action scenes about as well written as fourth grade fan fiction. Oh wait… Mario lay there, knocked out. Bowser then jumped up above Mario. A text box appeared above Mario. ”Mario: This, is all thanks to you.” Why the fuck was there a colon after he said “Mario”? Bowser then squished Mario, as his limbs and head flew across the screen. The screen faded to black.
The final amount of text appeared. It scrolled up the screen like the end credits. It read, “Game Over. You let Mario die. Therefore, he couldn’t save the princess. She was raped and murdered by Bowser and his minions. The Mushroom Kingdom is now burning down to the ground and there is nothing you can do. Thank You. –Satan.” What did I tell you?! It only gets worse!! WOW. FUCKING WOW. The fucking nadir of this entire pasta!! It was hacked by Satan! Satan knows C++ Programming!! Dear God, this the most retarded pasta I have ever read!!
I ripped the game out of the console looked at it for a few seconds. I taped the game to a plank of wood, brought it outside, took a stick of dynamite WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU GET A STICK OF DYNAMITE?!?, lit it, and blew up the cartridge.
I was in a state of depression for a few weeks. I went to see a therapist. I didn’t tell anyone about my experience with the game, YOU DIDN’T TELL ANYONE ABOUT YOUR EXPERIENCES WITH THE GAME, YET YOU WENT TO A FUCKING THERAPIST. YOU ARE A FUCKING AWFUL WRITER. for I didn’t want to be sent to an insane asylum. Now, every night, my only dream is of the Mushroom Kingdom burning down as the cries of it’s citizens whisper “Why didn’t you save us?”
Oh my god, where do I start?! Do you see why I call this a troll pasta?! “So there’s a hacked Mario game with blood and rape and pistols and knives and letters from satan! And I destroy it by blowing it up with FUCKING DYNAMITE!” You know what?! Congratulations. Congratu-fucking-lations. You have taken the trophy for “Worst Pasta I Have Reviewed” from “SMB: A Brother’s Hatred”, drank the shit that was inside of the trophy, then vomited back into the trophy, making it EVEN WORSE. You don’t even get a fucking star. You get a boot shoved through your monitor so you don’t get to write again.