DISCLAIMER: Remember, all jokes made in this review are just that - Jokes. If I make a joke about something being retarded, that does not, in any way, mean I hate real people who suffer retardation in real life. They are just jokes and have no nebulous meaning behind them. Thank you and enjoy the review.
Hello everyone. DMSwordsmaster here with yet another entry in the epic tale of “Crappypastas: Why The Internet Can’t And Shouldn’t Do Horror”! That’s… Not the name I’ve decided for this series. Way too damn long. But my personal ineptitude aside, today we’re in for a treat! A nice, plump, foul smelling Mario pasta was dropped right in front of me by my good associate Onagamail99. He’s been a big help in helping me find these shitty campfire stories. Let’s give him half a cheer! Hip-hip, hoo!
Right, mildly insulting praise aside, let’s dive right into this one. One of this pasta’s main problems, as you’ll… Very quickly take note, is very poor grammar. That, combined with hilariously bad word choice, makes this pasta… Quite fun to read. Also, note I said just “one” of this pasta’s main problems. As you’ll soon find out, the other is… Clichés. Lots, and lots, of clichés. Let’s bust this shithole open. This pasta is called “Super Mario Bros 3: A Brother‘s Hatred“. Oh Jesus Christ.
I’ll be telling you of my past gaming experience with super Mario bros 3 Isn‘t that lovely. *Ponders for a second* No. , and the weird shit that’s happened Ah, yes. “Weird shit”. Granted, that’s basically the key phrase to describing what goes on, but, uhh… Y’might wanna pick a slightly different choice of words for your HORROR STORY. Right now you sound like a frat boy pot head. “Yo, dude! Some weird shit went down when I popped in this Mario game! Swood, dude!! Grommet"! with this one cartridge. It all started a couple years back. I had just started collecting games, and I would buy anything I could lay my hands on. Economics is not your strong point. There are a hell of a lot of other things I could mention that are most definitely not your strong points, but I’ll be nice. For now.
During the summer of 2008, I found out about an event held one weekend every year. A massive neighbourhood Spelled that wrong. garage sale, in which everyone would sell their useless and unwanted items. …They hold a fucking massive garage sale once a year? I… won’t question it, but it is very strange. As an avid video game collector, this was my opportunity to buy some old and retro games that people no longer played. Ah, yes, another cliché that a popular creepy pasta used that caused every other half witted bellend to decide to add to try to make their pasta “scary”. The “I bought this shpooky game from a garage sale/old man/creepy stranger”. Tip to anyone writing pastas: THIS HAS BEEN DONE TO DEATH. DON’T. FUCKING. USE IT.
I arrived at this man’s house. I have never seen him before, but no matter. As you can see, this is combining both the “Garage Sale” and the “Creepy Stranger” aspect. Now, I will say this. This CAN be done well. But you need to put effort into fleshing the obtaining of this game out to make it realistic. I check, and to my luck, I find a bin of old NES game. Going through it, I find some interesting titles: Castlevania, Contra, and finally, super Mario bros 3. Oh yeah, and this guy can’t consistently capitalize this game right. Sometimes he’ll capitalize one word, others he’ll capitalize two or three. Others he’ll capitalize none! And that’s poor effort. If you can’t put in the effort to use proper grammar, how the fuck could you put effort to write a half engaging story?!
The first thing I noticed about super Mario Bros 3, was that the whole sticker was missing. Christ, this is like a laundry list of clichés! Here we have ANOTHER over-abundant cliché. A screwed up cartridge. Besides, how the fuck would you know it’s SMB3 if it didn’t have the fucking label on it?! The guy could be selling an entirely different game and you wouldn’t be the wiser! Christ! All that was on it, was the gray cartridge, and a white label saying super Mario Bros 3. That… Really doesn’t help! He could have just added that label! Ugh. This struck me as odd, but still, it doesn’t diminish it’s value by much. Tell that to a REAL avid collector and they'll rip your balls off.
So I ask him how much, he tells me 5 for Castlevania and contra, and he looks at super Mario bros in my hand. He smiles, and tells me quickly that it’s my game now, no questions asked. He seems real happy to rid of the game. *Sigh* ANOTHER overused cliché. The creepy stranger very happily giving you the haunted shpooky game for free. Not only is it unrealistic, but it’s over done to DEATH.
My day ends, and with my bag of spoils, I hurry home to try out all my games. The first one I tried was my copy of super Mario Bros 3, because of the bad shape it seems to be in. “Welp, I may as well play the worst looking game now!”' This is a game I haven’t played in years. I remember how much fun I had back in the day, with my parents. So in the cartridge goes. I press the button on the grey box called an NES Gee, thanks for telling us what the fuck an NES is. Not like anyone reading this wouldn‘t know that!, and the games starts up.
The game loads up normally. Or so I thought. When the title screen loads, and the curtains rolls up, I notice that Mario is completely missing from the animations that usually plays. Again, yet ANOTHER cliché. “The main character is missing from the title screen”. Only Luigi is there. He stands there, as if he knows that Mario is not there. I quickly disregard this, and start my 1-player game. “…And I disregard it!”
World 1 is just as I remember. Hammer bros, Toad houses, the castle, everything. I move Mario over level 1, and press “a”. This is where things became weird. Enemies were not present, all the coins were missing, and all the blocks were broken. All these clichés! If I were to host a drinking game, all of us would be dead!
Something was wrong. Again, Grade A detective work with these fucking pasta protagonists! I continued on with the level, knowing the game must be glitched or something, and arrived at the end. The card the player usually has to claim is missing, too, as though someone took it. Regardless, Mario automatically moved to the right, and the level finishes.
I was now back on the overworld. Everything was different then it was before. All the levels were completed, and instead of the “m” logo, all the levels were considered to be completed by “L”… Luigi’s logo. The map was filled with flames, and the background was a hellish type of red. “Yup, that was all the sublety and pacing I could manage. BLAH BLAH FIRE HELL DOOM” The only areas left untouched were the toad house, and the giant castle containing the king.
I decided to take the route leading to the toad house, hoping nothing else will happen to fuck me over. Again, great, eloquent word choice! I enter the house, and notice that the toad that’s usually there to guide me through picking a chest is gone, but the 3 chests were left untaken. I open the first one, and I get nothing. A few seconds later, I notice that instead of being moved back outside of the house, I can still move. So I pick the second chest. Still nothing. I open the third one, and I find something; A toad’s head. Oh, look, another fucking cliche. What, you want me to comment on it?!
I’m back to overworld. Everything’s the same as it was before, still fiery and beaten, except that this time, there’s a hammer bro. Since there’s nothing else to do on the map, I go to the hammer bro. When it loads up, The hammer bro’s sprite seems to be bloody, and beaten down. The blocks in the level spell out “Game Over”. I bet the characters in the pasta don't want to be in this pasta. In order to end the level, I had to collect the chest, which contained a flute.
When I go back to the overworld, My character was no longer Mario. World one appeared as it normally would. No flames,the background was no longer red, everything was normal. I had transformed into the Luigi sprite, however, and it was moving for me. "OH GOD GET ME OUT OF THIS PASTA!!" I moved until I reached the end level castle, and It automatically entered. In the castle, I was still Luigi, and the King appeared, sitting on his throne with his magic wand in his right hand. I noticed I could move, which was something absolutely new to me. Wait, what? How is that new to you? Were you playing the first half of world 1 regularly or was all of it a cutscene?? Word choice, author! Get better at it!!
The only thing in the room was the king. I knew what was happening. And now our protagonist is precognitive.This was supposed to represent a flashback as to what happened earlier in the game. I moved closer to the king, and the screen blacked out. The lights came back, and he too, was bloody, and beat down. Just like the hammer bro. Luigi did it, he killed the king. What else did you think he’d do?
I was back to the overworld. This time, I was Mario. Thank god, I thought to myself. Yes, thank God. Don’t just quit playing the game or anything. Be thankful you’re back to the hellish world you’re in. You are a FUCKING IDIOT, capital everything. The world was back to the bloody red background, and flames everywhere. I moved Mario over to the castle Luigi had been in a second earlier, and as I entered, The floor was soaked in blood, and the king was gone. I had beat the world.
It says I had gotten a letter. I remember that, in a regular game, princess toadstool would send you a letter, along with a helpful item. This was not the case. I received a letter from Luigi. The edges were soaked in blood, and the message written on it was hate filled. “I detail good!"
You always were the hero, and I am sick and tired of it.
Now it’s my turn to be recognized. I have killed the people
you love, and now, you are next. Take this item, as a token
of my hatred towards you.” Oh, and another thing that’s taking me out of this pasta. Y’know, besides everything else. This author reacts with the charisma and emotion of a fucking block of wood. He doesn’t react like a human being. He’s just blankly describing anything. Hell, even the characters in the game act the same way! There’s literally no emotion or drive to these characters at all!!
Along with the letter, I received a music box. Usually. They were used to put the hammer bros to sleep. But I could tell that this demonic game had something else planned for me. I was now in world 2; the desert. Curiosity kept me going, to the point of using the music box. For fuck’s sake. Yep, another cliché! “I could stop whenever I wanted to, but I was just too curious!” Say it with me, folks! OVERUSED! It started playing a song I recognized; a song from Pokemon said to drive children to the point of suicide. Lavender town. …What? I entered level one, and the music kept going. No no no, stop! Fucking stop!! Is THIS what this is boiling down to?! Are you literally so desperate for ANYTHING to add to this blender of pig shit and vomit that you’ll actually use clichés from an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT GAME?! Dear sweet jumping Jesus!! No! You can’t just fucking do that!! If you had, at the very least, added a notorious “creepy song” from the Mario series, I would have at the very least just rolled my eyes at you, but no!! This is making me rub my head with frustration and contempt!! For fuck’s sake!! This is ascending clichéness!! We’ve reached a cliché singularity!!
Level one was much different then it usually is. There was a pitch black background, and there was a constant trail of red blood on the sand. I walked through the level, cautious of all that’s happening, and then, I saw him. Luigi appeared on screen. His eyes were bloodshot red, and he was angry. I could no longer move, and for several seconds, all was silent, even the lavender town music. He turned around, and walked away. I mean, fuck, what’s next!? Is fucking Meta Knight gonna dive out of the sky, kill Mario, and demand to be a playable character?! Is fucking Missingno gonna appear and do something “scary” despite the fact that he’s actually completely harmless?! Chirst! I don’t know at this point!!
I finished the level by collecting the card, as I would in a regular level, and went back to overworld. On overworld, I could not move. I waited a minute for something to happen, but nothing did. I then found out I could use the item menu. I press “b”, and see my 2 items. A toad’s severed head, which probably has the same effects as a mushroom, and a flute, which is used to teleport you to a different world. My only option was the flute. Upon use, I notice that I was brought to the world 8 line, the final level of the game. It’s all I could do, Comma instead of a period.
At this point, I realized that someone has tampered with the games settings. WHAT?! YOU’VE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!! NOW YOU FUCKING NOTICE THAT THIS IS A HACKED GAME!! NOW YOU FUCKING NOTICED THE THING ANY HALF WITTED FIVE YEAR OLD COULD GATHER FROM SECOND! FUCKING! ONE!! YOU ARE AN AWFUL WRITER. STOP WRITING. It was not a glitch, but a hacked version, meant to freak people out. FUCK YOU!! I arrived in level 8 and automatically noticed that I started at Bowser's castle, and I had skipped over the dozens of challenging levels world 8 had to offer. I try to turn back through the warp pipe, but it’s not functional. I do what the game forced me to do; I entered Bowser's castle.
I proceeded through the level normally, as I would in the usual super Mario bros 3 cartridge. I did so, until I fell through a hole in the floor. I had died. I looked into the corner of the screen where the number of lives were, and it said I had 666 lives. And you keep on! And on! AND ON! AND ON!! CLICHÉ AFTER CLICHÉ!! THIS IS HEAD BANGINGLY AWFUL WRITING! This was impossible. A second after Mario had died, a demonic face appeared on screen. It was Luigi. Blood ran along the side of his face, his eyes were now shown to be absolutely pitch black. His cap, which was once green, was now painted red, with what seemed to be blood. And now we’re ripping off Sonic.EXE!! It’s shit ripping off more shit!! He wanted to be me. He wanted to be Mario.
After jumping at the sight of Luigi’s blood covered face Oh my god, an actual emotion! A fucking reaction! It only took four fifths of the fucking pasta for you to do that!!, The game gave me another chance to beat the final level. This time, without fail, I ran through the Bowser statues and through the door leading to Bowser’s chamber. Bowser laid there, unconscious. Blood filled the floor, as Luigi walked out from the door that Mario does when he beats Bowser. He looked different then the person I saw earlier. His outfit was now green with red splats of blood everywhere. His eyes and face looked absolutely demonic. He spoke up. For the first time this entire game, a text box appeared.
“I killed her. And now, you have no one to live for. But don’t worry, I will end your life painlessly. I wouldn’t want my dear brother to suffer… would I?”
The screen blacked out. I received a message saying “Game Over” on the screen. It, too, was the dark red color of blood. The game went back to the title screen. Here I saw the animation of Mario’s severed heard being held by his own brother, Luigi. The game was over. Luigi was finally going to get the recognition he always wanted. Yup! That’s it! We don’t see what happens next. What the player does with the cartridge or anything else. Fuck, knowing this shit, a fucking Tails doll would probably break in through the window and beat the protagonist to death with a fucking Elegy of Emptiness statue.
So… That was this pasta. DO I EVEN NEED TO SAY ANYTHING?? Cliché after cliché! Terrible word choice after terrible word choice! This pasta was awful on every single level!! He did NOTHING right!! NOTHING. ONE STAR.